If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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