We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
