i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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