it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
