now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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