youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
