If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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