I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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