I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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