if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
