I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
