I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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