They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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