why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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