Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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