just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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