watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
