had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
