I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
