Your favorite bartender is back from prision
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
