Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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