I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
