First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
