She went from zero to smokin in five shots
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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