she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
