3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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