yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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