The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
