just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
