from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
