I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
