i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
