...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
