There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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