my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
