If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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