I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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