Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
