I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
