My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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