i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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