he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
