my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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