Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
