She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
