So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
