i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are