Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?