So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
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He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
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If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.