I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So. Much. Porn.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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