you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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