I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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