Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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