The maid of honor just puked.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
