I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
