capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
