I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
