thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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