I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
