i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
