Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
