do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
