You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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