??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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