dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
